The Perfect Couple
by odishon
Summary: Finally updated!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters.**_

_**Author's Note: I'm somewhere between the American and Canaidan timeline for the 6teen episodes thanks to them being posted online.**_

* * *

"No."

"Please!"

"Uh, let me think about it."

"Really?"

"NO!" The cranky individualistic teen rounded on her perky friend. "How many times do I have to say this? No, no, no and _nononono!_"

"Please, please, _please _Nikki! You have to go with me! I can't do this thing on my own!" Caitlin beseechingly clasped her hands together.

"Then why did you sign up for it?" grumbled Nikki.

"Kam says he really admires commitment from a woman and we sign up for these couples' lessons." She waves a pamphlet from her back pocket under Nikki's nose. Nikki snatched it out of her hand.

"'_Become the Perfect Couple_'?" she read off the front dubiously.

"Uh-huh," Caitlin nodded frantically. "Five couples and an instructor go off to these secluded wilderness lakeside cabins for ten days and are coached on how to have a happier, healthier relationship. The program has a ninety-seven percent success rate." Caitlin flashed her most winning smile.

Nikki skeptically flipped the leaflet over to skim the back. "Don't you hate camping?"

"I know…" Caitlin shoulders slumped. "But that's why you've gotta come with me Nikki! No mall, no phone service for over a week! I'll die if have at least one friend to talk to!"

"I'll say." Nikki rolled her eyes.

"_Please!_" Caitlin begged again. "I really think Kam might be the one for _real_ this time and this is my chance to prove to him how serious I am about our relationship."

"Well, why not just ask someone else?" Nikki handed the pamphlet back to her. "I think thing are okay with Wyatt and Marlowe now. Ask them."

"No!" Caitlin gasped. "They just got through a bumpy patch in their relationship; even the smallest amount of stress can shatter the entire thing!"

Nikki crossed her arms over her chest trying to think of a clearer way to deliver to her objections to her very blonde companion. She was spared coming up with a suitable retort by Caitlin's phone ringing.

"Oh, it's Kam!" Caitlin squealed looking at the caller-ID and flipped the phone open.

"Hell-o, Ka-aam!" She sung into the receiver and started to walk away towards the food court. "Later!" She called to Nikki over her shoulder and went back to babbling in the phone.

"But–" Nikki called out to Caitlin's back to protest some more; Caitlin was already gone.

"Hurricane Caitlin. Whoosh!" Nikki sighed. She'd set things straight with Caitlin later. Right now the infamous '_Tacky' Barn_ was calling her.

XxXxXxXxX

"Yeah! Three pointer!" Jonesy pumped at fist in the air after making a sinking shot into the trash from the gang's usual table.

"Nice one, Jonesmeister!" Jude called sailing by on his skateboard circling the lemon-shaped stand.

"Ugh. Real mature, Jonesy," Jen groused over a magazine at her stepbrother's antics. Wyatt chuckle softly to himself and took a swig of coffee.

"So, whatsup with you?" he asked Jen.

"Couch is having me do research on sales history so we'll have 'that competitive edge' over the spring break," Jen gestured at the magazine.

"Ooouh! Bummer for you," Wyatt nodded at her sympathetically. "I think the rest of us were lucky enough to get spring break off." He took another sip of coffee.

"What? All of you?" Jen cried, horrified.

"Yeah, bra," Jude said. "All next week just me and my board!"

"I always sets my own hours," Jonesy declared proudly.

"Yeah, and I think Nikki bullied the Clones into giving her the time off," Wyatt explained. "Don't know about Caitlin… but I'm not working during the break."

Jen groaned and hit her head against the table. "Unbelievable! I'll be the only one working!"

"Aw, come on, Jen…" Jonesy simpered. "It's not that bad."

Jen raised her head up off the table to glare at him.

"Okay, it's that bad," he corrected, snickering.

"Hey, guys!" Caitlin called to her friends, stepping into _The Big Squeeze_ and pulling on her apron.

"Well, you're cheerful today," Wyatt commented.

"Hmm? Yeah," Caitlin giggled. "Just a little."

"So? Spill what is it?" Jen put her magazine down and leaned forwards, eager for the juicy 411.

"Kam!" Caitlin bounced up and down on the balls of her feet. "He's taking me camping over spring break!"

"Coool, camping." Jude swung back around on his board to halt in front of the table to partake in the conversation.

"You hate camping though," Jen pointed out. Caitlin waved her hand dismissively.

"It's not really camping," she hurried to explain. "More like a romantic learning experience. See?" Caitlin leaned over the counter and offered the brochure to Wyatt who took it from her. The others crowded in around him for a better view.

"'_Perfect Couple'_?" Jen raised an eyebrow.

"It's this incredible program for couples to really get in touch with one another. We're going this weekend. Us, a campfire, the stars, the serene wilderness…" Caitlin sighed, lost in her own little fantasy world. "So dreamy…"

"How are bug bites dreamy?" asked Nikki coming up behind the group.

"Hey, Nikki," Wyatt greeted her. She gave a small non-committed grunt and flopping into her usual spot between Wyatt and Jonesy.

"It is not buggy!" huffed Caitlin. "Maybe, a little buggy by the lake…" she amended, quickly "…but there's a beautiful lodge, personal cabins, natural foods all-you-can-eat buffet, daily activities tailored to each individual couple's personal needs…"

"Sounds expensive," Jen frowned.

"Sounds just plain freaky," Jonesy said. "Who'd want to do something like that?" Nikki and Wyatt nodded in agreement.

"Yeah… real un-mellow," added Jude.

"No, no. You guys total don't understand at all," Caitlin waved her hands about to cease their negative commentary. "It's not expensive. Entrance fee is only twenty dollars per person and it's a great way for couples to find themselves. There also a prize of five-hundred dollars to the most-perfect couple in the course."

"Five-hundred dollars?" Jonesy's eyes lit up. "Sure, we'll do it!"

"_We_? What 'we'?" Nikki glared at him.

"Come on, Nikki. Five-hundred dollars? Act like a couple for a week and we're a shoe-in for the prize money!"

"Jonesy, it's not about the money," Caitlin scolded. "It's a chance for couples to truly commit and connect in the great-outdoors."

"Five-hundred dollars is five-hundred dollars," Jonesy stated pointedly. "Not to mention free food while we're there all for the price of a mere twenty dollars."

"Let's see… how do I say this?" Nikki rubbed her temples and abruptly turned to shout in his face. "NO!" Jonesy toppled over backwards in his seat.

Jen, Wyatt, and Jude cackled uproariously.

"Alright, alright… sheesh." He picked himself up. Nikki folded her arms and glowered.

"Good call, Nikki," Jen laughed. "You'd never be able to survive the wilds anyhow!"

"What's that suppose to mean?" demanded Nikki, rounding on her.

"N-nothing," Jen held up her hands in surrender, surprised by her friend's outburst. "Just noting from personal experience of having to share a bathroom. There's no way you'd be able to endure both Jonesy and the wilderness… I mean that's like a double-whammy there…" Jen trailed off, realizing she'd just dug herself a deeper hole.


	2. Chapter 2

_Jen trailed off, realizing she'd just dug herself a deeper hole._

* * *

Nikki's eyes flashed angrily.

"Oh, I can survive Jonesy now, here! I can survive him anywhere!" Nikki snapped.

"Um… guys…" Wyatt began timidly.

"Furthermore, what makes you think I can't a few nights out in the woods?" continued Nikki, leaning further over the table at Jen.

"Hey!" Jen shouted back. "That's not what I was saying at all!"

"Oh, really?" Nikki's eyes narrowed even further. "So, what exactly were you saying then, hmmm?"

"No-" Jen protested but Nikki cut her off.

"Because, basically you just implied that I can't handle myself with Jonesy around! And I'll have you know I can take of myself, anytime, anyplace no matter who's around!" Nikki's voice went up another octave. Shoppers in the mall were starting to stare at them now.

"You know what?" Jen snarled back at her. "I was trying to help you out and not have go on stupid couples camping trip! I think it's a big mistake!"

"Well, I'm going on that stupid couples camping trip!"

"Fine!"

"Fine!"

Jen and Nikki threw back their chairs and stormed off in opposite directions. The four friends remained motionless for some time.

"Whoa… dudes!" Jude's jaw unhinged in awe.

"Well… I guess I gotta go pack…" Jonesy started edging out of the uncomfortable atmosphere.

"Wait!" Wyatt called. "You're not really doing this, are you?"

"Uh, yeah, I am." Jonesy told him with a duh-tone of voice. "Like I said before five-hundred dollars is five-hundred dollars. See ya."

"I'll call you about the details, later!" Caitlin shouted to his retreating back.

XxXxXxX

"Stupid, stupid display!" Jen wrestled with her sports equipment set-up.

"Hey, Jen," greeted Wyatt, coming up behind her.

"Arrrgh!" Jen screamed as her display collapsed.

"Uh, bad time?"

Jen growled though clenched teeth by way of a response.

"I'll take that as a 'yes.'" Wyatt cautiously approached her.

"What do you want, Wyatt?" Jen demanded turning to glare at him.

"Nothing. Nothing, really," Wyatt pleaded holding up his hands. "Caitlin just wanted me to talk to after that big fight you had with Nikki and all. Are you alright?"

"Oh, I'm fine." Jen stubbornly crossed her arms over her chest. "And you know what? I'm not going to say anything about it."

"You're not?" Wyatt asked disbelievingly.

"No," Jen gave a toss of her head. "I'm not. I won't say anything to Nikki, to Caitlin, to their parents… And when Jonesy asks our parents to go on that stupid camping trip I'm not going to say anything about what it really is. Not when I get home from work… not today at dinner…"

"Wow," said Wyatt, impressed. "That's really mature of you, Jen. Not interfering like that. Letting them make their own decisions even though you're against it."

However, Jen wasn't done, yet. "Oh, but tomorrow – after he's spent all night packing and is just about to get his foot out the door, _then_ I'm going to spill the beans on their whole camping get-away scheme!" Laughing gleefully at the thought, Jen walked away.

"Nothing like taking your angry out on someone else," Wyatt muttered under his breath. He shook his head and headed back to work. He certainly wasn't going to get in the middle of this mess.

XxXxXxXxX

"This is insane," yawned Nikki leaning against a lamppost outside. "Who the heck wakes up this early on a Saturday?"

"Who-" Jonesy paused to yawn as well, "-knows? So what'dja bring?" He nodded towards the suitcase Nikki had brought, adjusting a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

"Hmmm?" Nikki raised her head sleepily. "Clothes… toothbrush… stuff… Not much. Caitlin said that pretty much everything we needed would be there."

"Speaking of which where is Caitlin?" Jonesy asked. "She should be meeting us here."

"Hey, guys!" Jonesy and Nikki turned around to see Caitlin on the arm of a very attractive guy coming towards them.

"Jonesy, Nikki," Caitlin "I'd like you to meet Kam." She squeezed his arm.

He gave her friends a warm smile, "Hi." Their responses were less enthusiastic.

"Hey."

"'Lo."

Kam didn't seem to take offense. "You guys tired?"

"That obvious, huh?" Nikki put her hand in front of her mouth to stifle another yawn.

"Just a little," Kam chuckled.

"Ooooh, guys this is so exciting, though!" Caitlin could barely contain herself. "In another hour we'll be at this incredible woodsy get-away!"

But time crawled by slowly. After waiting for what seemed like eternity, the teens were having doubts.

"Are you sure this is where we're suppose to meet, Cait?" Jonesy fidgeted a little. "I don't see anyone else around."

"Great," Nikki yawned into her hand, again. "Maybe we can go home now and go back to bed."

"No, guys, I'm sure this is the right meeting place," Caitlin insisted pulling out the pamphlet. "The map on the back of the flyer said to meet here."

"Really, honey?" Kam leaned over her. "Let me see."

"Oh, okay…" Caitlin giggled madly and handed the map over to him.

"Actually, honey, it's a bit further in that direction," said Kam in a sugary voice, pointing out the correct location.

"Thanks, babe." Caitlin giggled again and gave him a little hug. Kam picked their bags and started off for the right meeting spot with Caitlin still hang on tightly around his waist. Jonesy followed.

"Gag." Nikki groaned and dragged herself along as well.

XxXxXxX

"_This_ is the spot?" They'd been walking for nearly twenty minutes to come to a secluded bus stop. A thicket of tree surrounded it casting it completely in shadows. There was no lighting of any sort nearby.

"Yep," Kam glanced again at the map for conformation. "This is it."

"You're kidding me, right? It looks like the set to that gore-film I saw last weekend," Jonesy complained.

"Jonesy! It's not that bad!" Caitlin cried. "Kinda romantic even…" She trailed off starry-eyed looking up at Kam.

"I think she's lost it," Jonesy hissed out of the corner of her mouth to Nikki.

"Ya think?" Nikki rolled her eyes, dragging her suitcase towards the bus stop. Jonesy hurried after her.

"Well, I think that we-_ooaf!_" Jonesy walked smack into a dark huddled form. The hunched figure gave a squeak of surprise.

"Whoa. Hey, I'm sorry," Jonesy apologized backing up. "Didn't see you there."

"Fear not, mortal," a gloomy form rose and turned towards them. "For I am –"

"Starr!" Jonesy exclaimed in surprise, recognizing the person in front of him. "What are you doing here?"

"The name is _Nebula_ and – oh, hi Jonesy," the pale vegan greeted them with a pierced smile. "Hi Nikki, hi Caitlin and …um…. Caitlin's friend…"

"Kam." Caitlin made the introductions. "Kam, this is Starr; I mean Nebula. She used to date Jude. Back when she had strawberry-blonde hair."

"Oh. Hey." Kam gave her a small wave.

"Heeeey," Starr dragged out, oblivious to a massive silhouette that'd just appeared, looming behind her. Caitlin, Nikki, and Jonesy all took a half-step back.

"Uh… Sta-Nebula?" Jonesy pointed shakily behind her. Starr turned around.

"Oh, this is my boyfriend, Axe." She gave her tall beau a little half-hug. On closer inspection, they vaguely recognized the towering figure from around the mall.

"Yo," a heavily make-uped Axe gargled deeply.

"Haven't I seen you around before?" Kam frowned thoughtfully at him. "At that naturalist convention last week?"

"Yeah." Axe nodded, a smile pulling at his lips. Kam and Axe immediately immersed themselves in recalling the events of the convention leaving rest of the group off to one side.

"Well, they're hitting it off," Nikki observed.

"Yeah," Starr agreed wistfully. She looked like she wanted to say more on the matter but Caitlin telltale phone-ring started, distracting them all.

"Oh, excuse, it's my dad," Caitlin explained flipping her phone open. "I've gotta take this." She scooted away into the surrounding trees.

"Sure," Kam called, so absorbed in his conversation with Axe, he barely acknowledged her disappearance as she slipped away.

"Since when does Caitlin need to take a phone call with her dad in private?" Jonesy wondered to Nikki.

"Don't know. Let's go check it out." They crept up to where Caitlin was pacing while chattering away on her cell.

"…no, no daddy…. just this fabulous therapeutic retreat… well, yes… no, I'm paying for it myself… don't worry. It's perfectly safe…" Caitlin sighed heavily. "Yes, it's one hundred percent supervised, male-free… it'll help _relax_ and focus on my _grades_ more… I know. I love you, too. Bye!" She clicked her phone off and turned around to see Jonesy and Nikki staring at her.

"Hee, hee," Caitlin teetered. "That was my dad. I just told him I'd be spending the week camping."

"Sounds like you left out some of the details," Nikki accused.

"And added a few," Jonesy put in.

"Well, what did _you_ tell your parents then?" Caitlin demanded defensively.

"That I'd be with a friend giving her some moral support and not to call me," Nikki replied pointedly.

"Just mentioned at dinner that I was going camping with some friends for a week." Jonesy answered. "They were cool with it."

"Jen didn't say anything?" Nikki asked suspiciously.

"Nope."

"Wow. Shocker."

"Yeah, I–"

"Alright, maggots, listen up!" boomed a voice behind them.

Jonesy, Nikki, and Caitlin all shared identical looks of horror.

"No way…"

* * *

**_It's not what you think! Promise!_**

**_I'll post the next update as soon as I can._**


	3. Chapter 3

_Jonesy, Nikki, and Caitlin all shared identical looks of horror. "No way…"_

* * *

The three friends spun around to see a tiny, white-haired, old lady wearing a matronly army-green dress and combat hiking boots.

"Well, what are you standing there for, maggots?" shout the tiny woman again. "Go line up!"

"Um, excuse me," Caitlin began hesitantly. "Who are you?"

"Never mind that now, girlie!" barked the elderly women in her impossibly loud voice. "Round up! Move! Move! Move!" Jabbing her finger towards of the bus stop.

Jonesy, Nikki and Caitlin fled in the direction she was pointing.

"Whoa! Where's the fire?" Kam asked them as the burst forth from the trees.

"Dude!" Jonesy bent over, hands clutching his knees for support. "We were attacked by Yoda with the voice of a foghorn!"

"Maggots!" All the teens flinched. "Pair off!"

They glanced at one another not quiet sure at what she meant.

"You're all here for this aren't you?" the old women waved about the '_Perfect Couples_' pamphlet. They all nodded slowly. "Then stand beside your partner and lineup!" The teens scurried to do as ordered.

"Now, then," the old women marched in front of them down the line they formed. "You can call me Madam Serge. I will be your coach, councilor, and confidant for the next ten days in all aspects of your relationship!" Her voice rose abruptly and she turned to glare at each of them. "This camping facility prides itself on client anonymity and hence forth you shall all be receiving codenames. You!" She pointed at Starr and beckoned her to step forwards with the crook of her finger.

"Yes?" Starr patiently strode forwards.

"Did I say you could speak, maggot?" rumbled Madam Serge dangerously. Starr shook her head; her calm demeanor wavered slightly. "Your codename is Lip Ring. Understand?"

Starr nodded frantically again and fell back into line.

"You," Madam Serge pointed at Axe. "Face Paint. And you…" She fixed her gaze on Nikki. "Nose Ring."

Jonesy let out a snort of laughter at Madam Serge's choice of nicknames for Nikki. Someone else had christened her with the exact same title.

"You find that funny?" demanded Madam Serge, leaning up into his face as best she could.

"No, ma'am," he snickered.

"That's Madam Serge to you, Maverick." She dubbed Jonesy.

"Excuse me, Madam Serge?" Kam spoke up. "Uh, shouldn't there be five couples here total?"

"What?" She turned a beady-eyed glare on him.

"Well, it's just that the brochure said that there'd be five couples total and there's only three… of… us…" Kam trailed off quelling under her scowl.

"Listen carefully, maggots," Madam Serge glowered at them. "I don't like teenagers. Loud, mangy, disobedient, disorderly teenagers! Pustules of society! But I try to stay as involved as I can with young people, because they are the ones that count. I talk at high schools. I go to children's hospitals. You were called to assemble here early then the others because I felt the need to explain things carefully and in such a manner you will not forget for the duration of the trip. Do I make myself clear?" She thundered the last part of her speech.

"Absolutely, perfectly Madam Serge," Kam gulped. "And may I assure you I will be perfect behaved today."

"Hmmm… Alright, there Slick, you and Cupcake," she jerked her thumb at Caitlin. "Get to the front of the line." Kam and Caitlin shuffled forwards.

"Any _other_ question?" Her tone implied that there would be potential lost of life or limb if there was. The group remained silent.

"Good!" she smiled sweetly. "Then will wait here for the other pairs to show up. Make yourselves comfortable."

XxXxXxXxX

Jen awoke to the blare of her alarm clock. Sleepily, she hit the snooze button silencing it and wrapped the covers closer around her.

"I can't believe I have to work this easily on a Saturday…" she muttered into her pillow. "Saturday!" Jen sat bolt upright in bed. "Ohmygod! The camping trip!"

Scrambling out of bed she hurried down the hall to the kitchen to find her parents cleaning up their breakfast dishes.

"Mom, Dad, I–" Jen stopped short catching sight of a third set of dishes being placed into the sink. "Who else is up?"

"Hmm? Oh, Jonesy, sweetheart," Mr. Garcia told his stepdaughter. "He just left about half an hour ago for that camping trip with his friends."

"What?" exclaimed Jen. "You let him go? Unbelievable!" She dashed back upstairs.

"What has gotten into her?" Mrs. Masterson-Garcia wondered to her husband.

"Well, you know teenagers…" Mr. Garcia shrugged.

His wife laughed. "Not at all."

Once in her room again, Jen bee-lined for her cell-phone and anxiously punched in friends' numbers. There was no answer each time. Frantically, she tried another number.

"Come on… come on…" she plead with the ringer. "Pick up…"

"Hello?" came a sleepy voice from the receiver.

"Wyatt!" Jen cried in relief. "I'm so glad so picked up!"

"I'm not…" Wyatt mumbled.

"I've some horrible news. Jonesy was already gone by time I woke up this morning and I can't reach Nikki or Caitlin's cells so that means they're gone too!"

"Uh-huh."

"Wyatt, wake up! This is serious!" Jen scolded. "They've left on that creepy couples camping trip!"

"Then call their parents if you're that concerned," Wyatt suggested.

"I can't!" Jen wailed. "I can't rat on my friends! I could rat on my stepbrother, but he's left already!"

"Oh. Right."

"Wyatt, what are we going to do?" Jen asked. Wyatt groaned and clicked his cell-phone off. "Wyatt? Uh… Wyatt?"

XxXxXxXxX

"How long do you think we've been waiting?" Jonesy inquired to no one in particular, stretching out besides Nikki on the grass.

"No idea," Caitlin sighed. Kam rested a hand comfortingly on her shoulder.

"I suppose it not too late to back out and head home…" Nikki offered, resting her chin on her knees.

"Ah, here comes our next pair now!" bellowed Madam Serge, startling them all to attention.

"Where?" Jonesy stood up and looked around.

"Oh. My. God." Nikki's jaw dropped, catching sight of the latest couple.

"No way!" Axe snorted. Starr and Caitlin covered their mouths to hid smirks. Kam could only gape.

Coming towards them were two identically dressed, burly cowboys. From their red shirts, blue bandanas, and spur boots their outfits matched perfectly. The only noticeable difference between them was the thatch of spiky orange hair poking out from under one of their white ten-gallon hat. Jonesy gulped, recognizing one of them from his Valentine dating auction.

"'Cuse us, ma'am," one of them drawled. "We're here for this couples camping trip."

"And you've come to the right place. From here on you're known as Cowboy One and Cowboy Two," Madam Serge declared slapping each of them on the back in turn. She then turned to the teen to proceed with the introductions. "This here is Slick, Cupcake, Face Paint, Lip Ring, Nose Ring, and Maverick…"

"Howdy!" Cowboy One tipped his hat back and gave Jonesy a wink, clearly recognizing him as well. His ginger-haired "partner" catching sight of it, gave an indignant huff crossing his arms across his chest. Jonesy winced and ducked behind Nikki.

"Now…" Madam Serge pulled out a clipboard and consulted it. "We're waiting for one more pair…"

A loud, echoing clang cut her off. Everyone turned to see a lip-locked duo performing a backwards tango towards them, bumping into things as they went.

"Oh, it's Jason and Joanie!" Caitlin identified them.

"The Couple? Why would they be here?" Jonesy asked.

"Yeah. I mean, how much more together can you get?" Nikki remarked, as they all watched the kissing combo stumbled by and slammed into a tree.

"Oooooooh!" Everyone grimaced in sympathy. However, the couple seemed unperturbed by it.

"Wow. They're still kissing," Starr marveled.

"I know." Caitlin was in equal awe. "They're mouths didn't part even once."

"Alrighty, you two," Madam Serge marched over to them. "Break it up!"

The pair of ignored her completely, continuing their match of tonsil hockey.

"This is the last time I'm going to ask you young adults!" Madam Serge roared. "Break it up!"

"Wait, they're not around age?" Caitlin whispered to rest of the group, as Madam Serge tried to pry them apart. "How old are they, then?"

"College kids, I think," Starr replied.

"They sure seem in love," Cowboy Two admired.

"Yeah, or something." Nikki's lip curled in repulsion at the couple's overdone display of affection.

Madam Serge, having given up trying to separate Jason and Joanie, dragged them over to the group by their shirt collars.

"Meet our last couple here today," she presented them forwards with exasperation. "Codenamed: Twins."

XxXxXxXxX

"Wyatt!" Jen rushed up to him in _Grind Me_.

"Hey, Jen." Wyatt took a sip of his coffee. "Whatsup?"

"Never mind that now!" Jen frantically clutched his arm. "Let's go!" She yanked him off the couch.

"Whoa!" Wyatt sunk his heels into the ground, trying to steady himself.

"Come on, Wyatt!" Jen snapped at him. "I only have a few minutes left till the end of break!"

"Wait! At least let me finish my coffee!" Wyatt protested as Jen dragged him along. Seeing that she had no intention of being swayed, he gave a sigh of resignation. "Where are we going anyhow?"

"To that booth where Caitlin registered them for these couples' lesson. Something's fishy about the whole thing and we're going to find out exactly what's what!"

"Well, as long as it's not something paranoid and stupid." Wyatt rolled his eyes.

They came to a halt in front of a small faded pink and yellow stall. The sign overhead read _Couples' Perfection_ in spidery, blue script. Next to someone had taped up a notice declaring the business closed for the next week.

"Closed!" wailed Jen. "I don't believe it!"

"What's going on here, maggots?" growled Ron the Rent-a-cop from behind them.

"Uh, nothing, sir. Just look around…" Wyatt grabbed a pamphlet left out on the counter of the kiosk. "Thinking about trying this out…"

"Hmmm?" Ron yanked the leaflet from his hand, skimming over it with one eyebrow raised.

"A real character building, don'tcha think?" Ron looked down at him. Wyatt winced expecting a rally of reprimands but to his surprise Ron cracked a smile.

"True solider, very true." Ron handed Wyatt back the brochure, a far away look in his eyes. "My mother runs the course. Tougher then any drill sergeant I ever had. I remember when she said to me 'maggot, any women who can't tough it out, isn't worth toughing it out for.' Dear old mom…" He wiped a tear from the corner of his eye. "Carry on then." And with a salute, disappeared back into the crowd.

The two friends stood there in stunned silence.

"Ron's _mom_ runs this camping thing?" Wyatt gawked in disbelief.

"This is worst then I thought!" panicked Jen, gripping the front of his sweater. "Our friends have gone away to some kind of love boot-camp!" She shook him.

"Whoa! Whoa!" Wyatt pried Jen's hands off him. "Calm down and think about this for a second, Jen."

"Calm down? How can you be telling me to calm down?" Jen hyperventilated.

"Look," Wyatt said, brushing himself off. "We don't know anything about this instructor other then the fact that she's Ron's mom…"

"Yeah, and she sounds like such a charmer," Jen rolled her eyes.

"We haven't met her," Wyatt pointed out. "Despite how awful Ron is, she could be very nice. Caitlin or Jonesy haven't called us, begging to be rescued. So far, I'd say they're perfectly alright."

"I guess you're right," Jen admitted reluctantly.

"Besides," Wyatt laughed, putting his arm over her shoulder, leading her away. "How bad could she be?"

* * *

_**Famous last words there, Wyatt.**_

_**Please review!**_


	4. Chapter 4

"_How bad could she be?"_

* * *

XxXxXxXxX

"Now!" Madam Serge was strutting to and fro in front of them again. "At exactly nine-oh-hundred a designated vehicle will arrive here to transport us to the camping grounds. There my word is the law. You will obey my law without questions, without complaints, without any of your sarcastic little comments. If any of you pansy think you can't handle that then now is the time to leave."

Jonesy and Nikki exchanged glances weighing their options. Caitlin caught sight of their indecision and gestured pleading for them to stay.

"There will be no refunds!" Madam Serge added with a shout.

Jonesy pouted and folded his arms across his chest, resolving to stand his ground. Seeing that Jonesy had no intention of leaving, Nikki sighed. It looked like she was staying as well. All other couples in the group seemed to have the same idea. No one budged.

A cheerful horn beeping drew everyone's attention. Driving around the corner, coming straight towards them, was an archaic school bus decked out in colorful hearts, flowers, and peace signs. The license plate read 'LUV-ROCS' in thick red lettering.

The bus came to a screeching halt in front of them.

"Peace and love ya'll!" called a voice from inside the vehicle as the doors swung open.

"Sweet ride!" Kam declared enthusiastically. Caitlin clapped her hands together elatedly. The others just looked on.

"Alright people," Madam Serge called out in her classic vociferous manner. "Our transportation mobile has arrived. Proceed in an orderly fashion and board the vehicle."

"Love Machine!" corrected the voice from inside the bus. Madam Serge pursed her lips and made a face suggesting that she had just bitten into something very sour.

"_Love Machine_, then…" she growled out. Jonesy snickered. "Board! NOW!" They all hurried to do as ordered.

"Hello, hello, hello, hello…" a craggy old man in the driver's seat greeted each of them as they got on. He had on a bright Hawaiian shirt and round shades perched on a crooked nose. A leather headband and love beads braided into a section of his long graying hair assented his sonata. When he smiled at her, Nikki noticed that he was missing a front tooth.

"Egh… uh… hi…" Nikki tried to cover up her initial reaction.

"Hey, you moving sometime today?" Jonesy complained behind her. Nikki scuttled by the hippie bus driver to find a seat.

Jason and Joanie had already dominated the back seats, currently in full-fledged making out mode. Nikki made a point of selecting a seat as far away from them as possible, without being at the front of the bus. She didn't want to be too near the driver. Shoved her suitcase into the seats in front of her, she sat down. Jonesy joined her moments later, placing his own duffle on top of her things.

"Hey, can you scoot over?" he asked her.

"What?" Nikki looked up at him in annoyance. "No! I want an aisle seat. Get your own."

"Dear," Jonesy sung out sweetly, leaning down close to her face. "I know that. After all, we are a couple." He gave her a sycophant leer. "But you need to move your feet so I can to the window seat."

Nikki glowered at him but pulled her feet up onto the seat.

"Thank you!" As Jonesy moved by her she gave a sharp kick to his knee causing him to stumble and bang in the bus window.

"Ouch!" Nikki smiled innocently into his glare and leaned back in her seat, settling down for what would presumable be a long ride.

An earsplitting whistle jerked her out of her comfortable position. Madam Serge had boarded the bus.

"Alright, now, people listen up!" her familiar manta rang out. "This is no vacation you're going on. This is the correlation experience of a lifetime! For those of you who thought you could nap on the way, you've got another thing coming!" She looked about fiercely at each of them. Her eyes seemed to linger on Nikki and Jonesy a little longer than the rest.

"Um… Madam Serge?" the bus driver called out tentatively.

"What?" she spun around at to scowl at the one who dared to spoil her intense mood.

"Can I get going now? We're kinda on a schedule," he explained apologetically.

"Fine. Carry on, then." She turned away from him. "Now, where was I…"

"No napping," supplied the driver.

"Thank you, Erin." Madam Serge forced out as civilly as she could muster. "Let's get a move-on, now."

"Right-o." Erin gave the shifter a jerk and shot off. Everyone's teeth were set rattling as the rickety school bus sped down the road. Madam Serge, however, wasn't the least bit flustered. She stood at the front of the bus and resumed her early speech with gusto.

"Relationships take work. They are a bond, a union, a complete devotion of affection to a partner!" She pounded a fist into her hand for emphasis. "Every relationship has its issues. Not to worry! We will be ratifying these rapports. Among these issues we will discuss: commitment, intimacy, communication…" As Madam Serge continued to drone on, one by one the couples developed a glassy eyed look and tuned her out.

"This is just as bad as sitting though history class," Jonesy groaned, slumping forwards. "Can she get any worst?"

"Don't temp fate," Nikki warned him, gripping on to the seat in front of her for support as they hit a bump in the road that nearly sent her flying.

"Sorry about that, folks!" Erin called out interrupting Madam Serge yet again. "The Love Machine here is just givin' ya'll a little love!" He cackled away hysterically at his joke.

No on else shared his mirth. Least of all Madam Serge. She rounded her on Erin, delivering the aggregate might of her wrath to him. Thus, giving everyone a break from her relationship sermon.

"So…" Kam turned towards Caitlin. "You excited about this trip?"

"Hmm?" She jerked out of her stupor. "Oh, yeah! I am so totally excited!" She smiled gooey-eyed at him.

"Good. I'm glad to hear that." He returned her smile. "So, how long have your friends been dating?" Kam nodded to where Nikki and Jonesy were sitting.

"Oh, awhile now… kinda…" Caitlin trailed off not quite sure how to explain her friends' unique arrangement. "Well, they were dating but then they broke up – which was kinda our fault – but then they got back together at the winter dance, so now they're dating… sort of…"

"Uh?" Kam shot her an incomprehensive look. Caitlin tried to clarify.

"They're like total into each other but won't admit it out loud…. If that make any sense at all?" she laughed embarrassedly.

"Nope." Kam shook his head. "It doesn't make sense at all. If you like a girl and she likes you should do something about it. For example…" He gave her a peck on the cheek. "You're cute."

"Awww!" Caitlin giggled. "That is so sweet." She squeezed his hand.

"Hey, Kam," Axe leaned over the seat from behind them.

"Yeah, man?" Kam dropped Caitlin's hand and turned around.

"Did you see that tracker guy with the beaver last week…" Soon Kam and Axe were launched back into their discussion about the nature convention.

A few seats down, Nikki frowned at them.

"I don't get it," Nikki complained to Jonesy. "What is up with that guy?"

"What's up with who?" asked Jonesy.

"Kam." Nikki replied. "One minute he's interrogating Caitlin about us, the next he's all lovey-dovey with her and then he ignores her completely!"

"Uh, right…" Jonesy looked at her like she was insane. "Well, you worry about that, I'm gonna catch a few Zs." He stretched out and shut his eyes.

Nikki made a noise of exasperation in the back of her throat and glanced around the bus for someone to talk to.

Kam and Axe were still gabbing away. Caitlin was now busy trading hair-care tips with the Cowboys in the seats in front of her. Starr, seated next to her, had shut her legs folded back into a lotus position and was staring straight ahead.

"Uh, hey, Starr…" Nikki tried out conversationally.

"_Nebula!_" Nikki was crossly corrected.

"Nebula… sorry. So, what's up with you?" she tried again.

"_I_ am mediating on the dark forces which surround us. The blackness and the unholy light!" Starr declared dramatically.

"With your eyes open?" asked Nikki. "Aren't they supposed to be closed?"

"It allows me to see the truth clearly now. Unveiled from falsehoods and deceit." Starr explained solemnly. "Please leave me to concentrate in peace."

"Riiight…" Nikki wasn't entirely sure how to respond to that one. "Okay, then. I'll leave you to it." Nikki sighed.

Madam Serge on poor Erin's case and showed no signs of stopping anytime soon. There really was nothing better to do.

"Might as catch a few Zs," she echoed Jonesy's early sentiments and making herself as comfortable as she could, drifted off.

XxXxXxXxX

Nikki awoke with a start to an earsplitting whistle. She found herself stretched over Jonesy's lap and hastily moved away before he or any one else noticed.

"We'll be at the camp grounds in no time at all," announced Madam Serge briskly. "So pull yourselves together!"

Beside her, Jonesy yawned and stretched completely unaware of Nikki's earlier location.

"Whoa!" Jonesy pressed his face up against the window. "Nikki, check this out!"

Apprehensively, Nikki peered over his shoulder out the window. Peeping from between thick evergreens was an elegantly trimmed rooftop. As the bus rolled into the camping grounds through arched entry-gates, Nikki spotted a hot tub on the elevated deck of one of the more opulent lodges.

"All the accommodations nature has to offer," Nikki quipped sarcastically. But she was impressed.

Everyone was thrown forwards into the seat in front of them as the bus suddenly screeched to a halt.

"Everybody off the bus!" Madam Serge belted out.

"Love Machine!" Erin persisted. Madam Serge's inborn scowl deepened. Whatever lecture she had given him before clearly hadn't stuck. Nikki thought it best to leave the bus as quick as possible. Heaving what luggage they brought out of the bus, everyone scooted out and stopped to form a semi-circle in front of the entrance.

The colorful school bus roared away kicking up a trail of dust as it zoomed away. Nikki sighed as her last chance for freedom disappeared out of sight.

"It's been a pretty fun ride, to tell you the truth…" Madam Serge turned towards them, clicking her heels together. "But now we're getting down to business! There's a lot of whiners in every crowd. There will be none here. Each couple will be designated living quarters…"

"_Live together_?" Nikki choked. This was turning out worse then she thought it could.

"What? It'll be fine as long as we don't feed you any beans," Jonesy cracked. That comment earned a sharp elbow to the gut.

"However, you will be earning you right to sleep in one of these," Madam Serge continued at top volume, gesturing to the luxurious buildings behind her. "You will start out over there."

The group looked in the direction she was pointing. Peeking out of the tall grass by the lake were five piles of camping equipment.

"This gets worst by the minute," Nikki muttered under her breath.

"You will _all_ set up camp around tonight," instructed Madam Serge. "At the end of the day tomorrow, depending on your performance during the day and rest of this evening, you may be moving on to bigger and better things. More about that later. Right now… GRAB YOUR GEAR AND SET UP CAMP! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!" Pointed towards the lake.

Everyone jumped when she said that last part and took off towards the supplies to snatch up what they could. Each grabbing a handle of one of the bag cramped with camping necessities, Nikki and Jonesy dragged it over to rest under a shady tree. Kam carried his and Caitlin's gear over to rest not too far away from them. Everyone else spaced out around the lake at a respectable distance.

"Yuck! Orange…" Nikki groaned catching sight of their tent color as Jonesy attempt to unravel their things.

"Well, at least it's not pink," Jonesy pointed out.

"True," agreed Nikki, watching Jason and Joanie across the lake endeavoring to pitch their fuchsia tent without parting lips. Her line of sight traveled over to rest on Caitlin giving Kam a peck as he parted in the direction of the woods. It was the perfect time to express some of her doubts on her friend's new Mr. Right.

"Um, hey, Caitlin…" Nikki began, walking over to her. "About Kam?"

"Isn't he the _greatest_?" Caitlin gushed, watching him help Jason and Joanie set up their tent. The couple appeared to be too into each other to be bothered with anything else.

"Yeah. Right." Nikki agreed, not quite convinced. "How long did you guys date before he proposed this camping trip?"

"Hmmm… about six hour. I think?" Caitlin mulled over it thoughtfully.

"Six hours!" Nikki gaped at her. "You weren't even dating a day!"

"Oh, but it didn't feel like six hours," Caitlin defended. "We've got such _great_ chemistry together… It felt more like we'd known each other for ever."

"Hey, honey." Kam came up to them and snaked his arm around Caitlin's waist. "What's up?"

"Oh, I was just telling Nikki how we met," Caitlin told him, leaning closer. She turned back to Nikki. "We had this _amazing_ conversation and just _totally _connected."

"So how did you two meet?" Kam asked Nikki indicating to where Jonesy was struggling with their tent.

"When we were kids," Nikki answered shortly. "Jonesy ate all my crackers at snack time."

"Wow! So you're practically brother and sister," Kam said. Nikki stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds.

"No. Not at all." She managed to get out. Nikki hadn't exactly like this guy before but she he was really getting on her nerves now.

There was a long awkward silence. Caitlin glanced back and forth between her fuming friend and naive beau.

"Heh, heh. Well, I guess we should go set up our own tent…" Caitlin dragged Kam away. Nikki slowly exhaled through clenched teeth and turned round to see Jonesy still making a mess of their tent.

"Need help?" offered Nikki, coming over.

"No, Nikki, I got this," Jonesy insisted. After several more minutes of struggling he gave up. "Okay. Yes. Help!"

"All you had to do was ask," chided Nikki. Shortly, she had a decently pitched tent up and operational.

"How'd you know what to do?" asked Jonesy, impressed.

"My nephew is a Club's Scout," Nikki explained. "Went camping with them once."

Caitlin's girlish squeals cut through the air. Nikki and Jonesy looked over to see Kam spinning around with her in his arms bridal-style.

"We've gotta make Caitlin see what a creep that guy is…" Nikki said more to herself than to Jonesy.

"I don't know…" Jonesy scratched the back of his head. "He seemed okay to me."

"And that is why I have the higher IQ than you," Nikki told him derisively, patting his back.

* * *

_**Fact check:**_

_**Nikki has an older sister who presumable gave her the nephew (he's 6 years-old and was mentioned in 'Deadbeat Poets Society').**_

_**Jonesy, Nikki, Jen, and Wyatt have all been friends for at least 10 years. Maybe more - like since 4 years. (anyone know)**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Sorry everyone for taking so long to update. My computer had a brain-fart and pretty much wiped out everything I'd saved. I basically had to start over from scratch. Haven't really had the time to do that until now.**_

* * *

"_And that is why I have the higher IQ than you," Nikki told him derisively, patting his back._

* * *

The familiar shrill whistle grated the air.

"Gather 'round troops!" hollered Madam Serge. The couples reluctantly huddled around her.

"Now that you're properly assembled…" Unconsciously, they all glanced back to where several poorly pitched tents rested. "We're gonna get down to business. Lay down the law! With… this short instructional video."

She stepped aside to draw attention to an archaic projection screen and movie reel.

"This ought to be interesting," Nikki scoffed as Madam Serge cranked the wheel.

XxXxXxX

"…and that is why they'll be no fornication on this trip," Madam Serge concluded, clicking off the projector. "Any questions?" The silent response from every camper was an equally aghast expression plastered across his or her faces.

Jason and Joanie paused in their face-sucking congregation to whimper in terror at the contents of the video. Even the wildlife appeared to be shocked into a horrified silence.

"Very well, then." Madam Serge clicked her heels together. "Now, that went on a bit longer then I intended but, ahem, no matter. We'll go over the expectations and requirements of this program bright and early tomorrow. DISMISSED!"

Scarcely able to look anyone else in the eye, the couples stumbled off to their respective tents in a daze, musing over the horrors they'd just seen.

"Blood…"

"Diseases…"

"…a rash _down th're_…"

"Such an ugly baby…"

"…it could, like, actually _fall off!_"

"So much blood…"

"Human proliferation is a ghastly process," Starr declared. The others could only nod in agreement.

"Oooh, how am I going to face Kam again? Much less share a tent with him!" Caitlin bemoaned to Nikki.

"What do you mean?" Nikki asked.

"I mean you and Jonesy are in an established relationship. The worst possible things that could go wrong for you already have at this point! For me and Kam, though, things are different." Caitlin explained miserably. "Sitting with him through that embarrassing movie was the worst. I mean there's only some much humiliation a relationship can take in early stages!"

"Uh, yeah, well…" Nikki struggled to think of something supportive to say while Caitlin pouted.

"If you'd feel more comfortable tonight, Caitlin, I'll take my sleeping bag into the woods," Kam offered, falling into step beside them.

"Aww," Caitlin cooed adoringly at his thoughtfulness. "But what if it rains?"

"Don't worry, I'll sleep in the woods under the trees."

"You're so sweet!" Caitlin leaned up and gave him a peck.

"She seems to be able to face him again," Nikki whispered back to Jonesy.

"Hmm? Um, yeah. Uh, listen, Nikki…" Jonesy couldn't quite meet her eye. "Maybe we should swap tentmates for tonight. At least."

"Are you saying you aren't comfortable around me after seeing that video?" Nikki smirked at him.

"What? No!" Jonesy denied a little to quickly. "I mean, I like my kiwis were they are and that has _absolutely_ nothing to do with this situation. I was just thinking that if you girls would be more comfortable bunking together then there's totally no reason we guys can't bunk together, too. Right?"

"Hmm, I guess so," Caitlin agreed slowly.

"Fine by me." Kam nodded.

"Riiight." Nikki knew her boyfriend all too well not to see through that one. Seeing Nikki was still not convinced, Jonesy did some quick thinking.

"Besides," he whispered into her ear. "If you really think something's up with Kam this will be a chance to do some investigating."

"True…" Nikki nodded thoughtfully and then smiled. "Okay. You're off the hook. I'll move my sleeping bag into Caitlin's tent."

Jonesy, unsuccessfully, tried not to look too relived.

XxXxXxX

"Isn't this so cool!" Caitlin hugged her pillow close while Nikki arranged her sleeping bag. "It's like having a slumber party!"

"Yeah, I was never really big into those," Nikki said dully.

"What! Why not?" Caitlin didn't wait for a response. "Never mind. I still think it's total amazing out here."

"You do now but just wait a few more minutes," Nikki warned her. "When the sun goes down it's not for fun and games."

"Hn?" Caitlin blinked, bemused.

"First night with the Club Scouts was the worst," Nikki clarified. "Because of all the-" She paused abruptly to listen to an eerie howl echoed in the distance. Caitlin squealed.

"Right on cue," Nikki noted.

"_What was that?_" Caitlin panicked.

"The neighborly wild-life population making itself known," Nikki sighed. "I brought some extra earplugs if you any." She held out a tiny bag containing a pair.

"Oh. Thanks." Caitlin gratefully accepted them.

"Well, 'night Caitlin," Nikki said popping in her own earplugs.

"Goodnight," Caitlin responded pulling a pink sleeping-mask over her eyes.

Slowly, both girls drifted off to sleep.


End file.
